Tag: cooking

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katie’s red velvet orgasms

‘Oh what a tangled web we weave/When first we practice to TikTok instead of sleep’ 

-Sir Walter Scott (the 2023 remix)

While unable to sleep the other evening, I got lost in the tangled web of TikTok cooking/recipe videos. It’s comical (or scary as fuck) how the audience targeting of the popular social media site can read your mind, not just your online and everyday activities. I relate it to how the lyrics of every Taylor Swift song know the exact feeling of every trauma, happiness, and mood you have ever been in throughout your entire life. Now, I don’t think Taylor has reporting and analytics programmed and calibrated inside her brilliant brain as she as writing these magical Nostradamus-esque ballads…HOWEVER, I do think she has an innate algorithm tapped directly into the human spirit. It’s genius and I feed off of it.

As my eyes gazed upon my Apple 14 Pro Max screen, I decided to take a much needed break from true-crime and cute otter videos to focus these twight hours into embracing the culinary stylings of chefs from all walks of life. Let’s do this.

I came across one particular video that inspired me. It involved boxed cake mix, an egg, confectionary sugar, and Cool Whip. Being a true creature of habit, I decided to take the idea and make it my own, doctoring the recipe to my own creation (which would obviously make it better).

Are they healthy? Fuck no. But I promise they won’t make you sad. Enjoy.

katie’s red velvet* orgasms

Ingredients

  1. any box of red velvet cake mix
  2. chocolate Jell-O pudding mix (in powder form, don’t make it)
  3. tablespoon of vanilla extract
  4. whole tub of Cool Whip (I used triple cream)
  5. 1 egg
  6. separate bowl of confectionary sugar

*please note that this recipe can be any flavor; simply swap the cake mix with the corresponding pudding. all other ingredients will remain.

Directions

  1. preheat oven to 350′
  2. mix ingredients 1-5
  3. butter a cookie sheet
  4. scoop dollop of batter and plop into separate bowl of confectionary sugar (#6)
  5. form into balls and make sure every inch is covered in the white powder
  6. place balls about 2″ from each other on the sheet
  7. cook for 11 minutes
  8. use an oven mitt– and remove tray from the oven (i note this particularly because i may or may not have burned my hand omitting this logical step when i attempted it)
  9. wait 1 minute and then, using a spatula, collect each cookie onto a cooling rack
  10. try not to eat all of them

for added orgasm-ness, make a sandwich using two cookies as the bread and your favorite ice cream flavor as the filling. i’d personally select chocolate, coffee, or vanilla bean.
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tomato soup for the soul.

On this very cold March day, I decided to create a meal that isn’t very diet friendly: tomato basil bisque & grilled cheese with truffle butter. I’ll start planning for bikini season tomorrow.

After a first tasting, I decided I would share my recipes for all to enjoy. They are that good.

I used a crockpot and a Ninja for the soup. A stove with a frying pan for the sandwich.

Spices needed: pepper, sea salt, garlic powder (or save yourself some time and just buy Camp Mix)

When you hit the grocery store, this is your list for the soup:

  • 1 bunch of fresh basil
  • 2 cans of 14oz organic diced tomatoes (or fresh tomatoes diced that would equal 28oz- if you have the time)
  • 1 CAN (yes, can-not a jar) of organic tomato sauce
  • either a block of parmesan cheese or a bag of fresh grated parmesan
  • 1 container of organic chicken broth
  • butter (I like the sea-salted)
  • 1 small container of heavy cream (I went with Hood).

And for the sandwich:

  • 1 block of cheese (I went with gouda, but you pick the kind you like best)
  • truffle butter (most Whole Food-like grocery stores will carry this, if not, then find a nice truffle oil and we can melt down the butter and mix this in)

    oh hey, little friend.
  • bread (Listen, we NEVER have bread in the house, so you know this is a big deal. Anyway, I went with a gorgeous Tuscan Pane White)

    best thing since betty white.
  • Optional ingredients I know my husband will request: tomato and/or any kind of meat.

As far as how much of what to add for the soup- I never follow recipes to a T. I always wing it for taste. Gordon Ramsey would be pleased. The only ingredients I actually “limited” before throwing into the crockpot were of the dairy and spice categories. I used 4 tbsp of butter and a good pour of the cream that probably amounted to 3/4 a cup.  The parmesan cheese I did a healthy handful…and then added some more. As for the spices, just add to taste.  It’s all up to you, really.  

To cook soup: add ingredients to the crockpot and set on high for 3 hours. I went ahead and blended all the ingredients (to make it a more smooth consistency, but you can keep it chunky if you like) in my Ninja after about an hour, and then added it back to the crockpot to continue to simmer. Add fresh basil on top to garnish.

For the sandwich, I would start by truffle-buttering one side two slices of bread. I might even use the truffle butter to oil the pan. Hey- I love truffles and butter, don’t judge. I think by this point if you don’t know how to make a grilled cheese from here then I certainly would be delighted to help you: butter-side-down bread to pan, cheese (add as much as you like), bread-butter-side-up. Heat on medium. I would do 3 minutes and then flip, making sure the butter side is again down (but you keep checking to make sure it gets a nice brown, not black). My husband would have me add two slices of tomato with the cheese, but I go with the basics.

to answer your question, yes, he wanted tomatoes. told you.

I suggest making more than one sandwich. Don’t worry, it will get eaten. Now serve, dip and enjoy.

 

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cacao.

I decided to bite the bullet and invest in some better workout clothing.  I won’t mention that it was randomly hailing in Maine, in April, or that the cobblestone streets in the Old Port are a pain in the ass on my tires, but I will mention how awkward the experience was for me.  First, this was what greeted me as I stood in said hail:

i don't believe your use of "namaste" in this instance.
i don’t believe your use of “namaste” in this instance.

I waited 20 minutes for the damn store to open.  Side note: They are only open from 11-5pm.  How the hell do they get a lunch break too?? The work ethic here is outstanding.  After spending the quickest $90 of my life on a shirt and sports bra, and being treated like an outsider by the lemmings in the lululemon, I was on my way.  When I told Brad how the ladies treated me in the store, he suggested I should not have purchased anything at all.  We would return, all dressed up, the next day with shopping bags, circa 1990.  “You guys work on commission right? Big mistake, huge.”  I don’t know what it is about a really attractive man quoting Pretty Woman, but damn that was hot. 

I found a local studio that has the class I have been curious to take.  It’s called barre. (I stole this next sentence off the website I cited a moment ago) “The barre method is influenced by classical ballet barre technique, Pilates, yoga, and orthopedic exercises.”  I took it Saturday and loved it.  Aside from the fact I need a LOT of work on my flexibility, upper arm strength and abs, I think I did pretty good for my first time.  I’ll return- as my abs are killing me right now. I’ve been told that’s a good thing- by people with stomach muscles.  I will note that I was happy to be acquainted with the instructor, Kristy.  She is sweet and friendly and attends the Catapult events.  She is all those qualities, that is, until she starts class. She turned into a drill instructor in about two seconds!  I’m not knocking her though, trust me, she makes you work your butt off, as you’re too scared to let her down!  🙂

After class I was feeling extra “health conscious” (and obviously I looked it with my new duds and “I totally just worked out” hair) and took a trip to the local health food store.  The staff was very friendly and helpful, alas, they could tell I was a rookie.  I guess I didn’t fool them.

It is expensive to be healthy! Total bill: $64 for the following ingredients: cacao powder, organic natural honey (this item the sales girl laughed at because how can honey NOT be organic?), raw ground almonds, raw unsweetened coconut flakes, Celtic sea salt and a Kombucha. Additionally, I picked up Delta 8 Products to Relieve Pain, to Relax or Just Get to Sleep.

I was having my brakes replaced, so I had my mother’s car for the morning.  I could either go home and wait for Brad to follow me to return the car, or I could make my mother smile by watching her choir practice- then make her take me home.  I decided to watch mom sing.  I was excited to see she took my advice and bought a new pair of jeans.  She looked great, actually.  And she informed me that a family friend, Cathy, advised her never to leave the house without a pair of “bling” on (mom went with a multi colored necklace).  So, she had bling, new jeans and a smile.  She’d never looked better to me.  When we got home, of course, I locked myself out.  Times like these I love NH (I lived on the 20th floor of a highrise in Chicago), as I left a window unlocked. Problem solved.Â

Getting back to my day of health, I decided to make these.  It’s a little expensive and messy, but worth it in the end.  Ingredients listed above, aside from the drink.

#organic.
#organic.

 You basically mix everything together, except for the coconut, getting your hands a wonderful shade of dark brown.  You put them into little balls (hehe) and then roll them into the coconut, covering them.  It suggests to put them in the freezer, but I think they were fine as they were.  You can do what you like.Â

End result:

brad liked them. success! :)
brad liked them. success! 🙂

 Cool thing about these truffles is that you look like you’re a gourmet cook, while you actually only need the skills of a 2 year old with play-doh.Â

So, I will give this healthy thing a try for a little while.  Who’s with me?  #healthyliving