This might be a long one, but if you are a 30-something woman reading this, bear with me because you just might relate.
Through the years, I have always tried to stay fit, but occasionally, I will spice up my routine with a new fitness craze. I’m not trying to channel Patrick Bateman or anything, I just get bored with my usual running/bike/elliptical routine. I’ve tried barre, spin, step, Tae Bo, plyometrics, YouTube videos for problem areas, weights, zumba, and yoga.
Well, today I tried something new: bikram yoga.
Note, I commit to NEVER participating in the following trends: Cross Fit, Strip-aerobics, jazzercize, aerial yoga, ironmans, triathalon, tough mudder* (*this is an all-encompassing category that includes any kind of a multi-layered, elongated, and vigorous activity that is outside and/or contains pain or dirt), any kind of a class with boot camp in the title, base-jumping or anything off the physical ground), anything that involves sharks or cages, and dancing on tables in bars.
Please know I am fully aware this list will grow in time. I get irritated and kinda judgy more often that I would like to admit.
Barre was awesome in theory. Absolutely. Every article I had read basically told me I would look like a supermodel by the time I was done- the first class.
So, I went three times, until plantar fasciitis made its home within my foot. Clingy little fucker. Anyone who has had the privlidge of that ailment knows the pure delight it brings.
I’ll be a supermodel another time.
Spin I love. Truly do.
I began my love affair with spin in Chicago. It was the teacher, really. Then, I found a teacher here who used weights during, and was equally as fantastic and energetic as my Chicago Yoda- so I was hooked again.
Lately, I have not been because I’m just too damn tired to get up for the 7:30am Saturday class. I attempted to go this weekend, but having just got back from a trip- I opted for laundry instead and hit the gym around 11am.
Hi treadmill, I missed you.
Step Class was a college thing. I used to do the advertising for Campus Recreation, so I took the classes of my friends who were studying to become instructors. It was fun. I fell a lot.
Tae Bo I don’t even remember when I did this, I think also college. Double and triple time killed me. Where is Billy Blanks these days anyway?
Plyometrics was awesome until a friend of mine broke his foot mid-class during one of the jumps. Yep, next.
YouTube I still do sometimes. I’m most recently in some pain because of this inner thigh workout. I did it twice this last week. Try it, you’ll see what I’m talking about. Then try it two days in a row. Ouch. I will probably do it again this week once I stop limping.
Weights are an “every once in a while” thing. I know I should do them more, but I also know that when I do them too much my arms make some smaller men jealous. No, thank you. But yes, I can probably beat you in an arm wrestling match. Sorry, I’m German- it’s natural.
Zumba: I was laughing at my lanky body in the mirror the whole time. Seriously. I just kept laughing. There are mirrors everywhere! While I did find this fun as hell, I don’t think I would waste another hour of my life humiliating myself with just how white I really am.
Yoga was something I REALLY wanted to get good at. A lifetime of running without stretching has left my body a knotted mess of lactic acid. I have tried with individual instructors, small classes, beginner and advanced teachers- I just don’t think my body was meant to bend that way. I also got really creeped out when they touch your feet. I’m all set with their bendy ways. That is awesome that you can touch your toes- show off.
TODAY was going to be different. Today was the day I was going to do BIKRAM YOGA and be good at it! I would go to the whole 90 minute class, love the heat, sweat and feel amazing. I even convinced my friend Beth to go with me- which is a feat, getting her out of bed early, on her one day to sleep in.
Sure, she gave me a few caveats:
“Katie, it’s really hot.”
“Katie, it will smell.”
“Katie, when I pass out, you are carrying me.”
I lasted 34 minutes before starting to see stars and black out.
We left. Fuck you, Bikram Yoga.
Guess I better update my iPhone with some new songs cause tramps like us, baby, we were born to run. So true, Bruce, so true.